Living Cynical

I've Been Had!

2004-09-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

So I woke up the other morning with an awful pain in my left thumb. Since I'm a righty, my left hand is about as important to me as a box of tampons, but it still aggravated the hell out of me. After some people at work took a look and said my thumb looked really swollen (which I didn't really notice, but I digress), I figured it was time to go see a doctor.

At that point in time, I hadn't been to a doctor since my pre-college physical 6 years ago. I don't really like doctor's offices, or any part of the doctor's appointment, so I just never went back. Unfortunately, the pain in my thumb wouldn't allow me to continue my doctor-shunning ways.

So I go to the doctor's office today at 2pm. I spent a large amount of time filling out the requisite forms and whatnot, the nurse came in and took my blood pressure, and finally the Doctor strolled in at about 2:30.

Dr. Useless (as she will be referred to from now on) spent some time examining my thumb, moving it in exactly the right places so the pain flared up to an almost unbearable level. After Dr. Useless finished callously jerking my thumb around, she said she had to go check something, and that she'd be back soon.

20 minutes later, she came back. I assume she spent the entire time looking stuff up in her Physician's Desk Reference, because when she returned, she came back with an ailment she hadn't mentioned previously as possibly being the problem. However, she said the only way to determine this was to stick a needle covered in something in my thumb and pull it out.

Now, I'm not the needle's biggest supporter in the world. I don't think shots hurt terribly much, but they really are menacing looking creatures. So I was a little put-off by the thought of a needle stabbing right into my thumb joint. At this point, Dr. Useless felt the need to chime in again, and said this: "Now, I'm not really comfortable sticking needles in smaller joints. I'm fine with the bigger ones, but I'm just not that comfortable in this instance."

What do you do when a doctor tells you that they're not comfortable doing something? You do what I do. You say, "Listen, if you're not comfortable doing it, lady, then I'm not comfortable having you do it." Dr. Useless seemed very relieved by this. She then recommended I take a bunch of Advil every day for the next two weeks (which I was already doing), and if it
didn't feel any better then, I could call in and make another appointment.

The final tally: 2 hours away from work (which I will most certainly not bitch about), more pain in my thumb because Dr. Useless felt the need to jostle it about, no X-rays (which is what I was really hoping for), a doctor who didn't feel comfortable with needles, useless advice to take one of the most popular anti-pain medications on the market, and $10 less in my pocket. For all intents and purposes, that was a professional mugging.

The real kicker? I went to the store after the appointment to replenish my Advil supply. The Advil cost just under $10. I had to break out the plastic because I did not have $10 in cash on me. Why not? Because I just got mugged by someone with an M.D.

Abercrombie Strikes Again

2004-08-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

I just read anews item which described Abercrombie and Fitch's latest overpriced t-shirt that sports the slogan, "West Virginia: No Lifeguard at the Gene Pool."

Now, given that I have a sense of humor a 12 year old would be proud of, you'd think I'd think that was a funny t-shirt. And, to a certain extent, it is. When you're from the northeast, poking fun at the south just kinda comes with the territory.

This, however, is different. I have an undying hatred for Abercrombie and Fitch. I think they're a morally reprehensible corporation that tries to do little else than appeal to the weak-minded youth of today.

Where does my attitude stem from? Well, aside from the fact that I think their clothes are pretty stupid looking, and more overpriced than beer at a football game, they're a terribly racist company.

A few years ago, a cousin of mine (who coincidentally also happens to be Korean) applied for a position at an Abercrombie and Fitch in Ann Arbor, Michigan. She got the job, but was stunned to find when she started that she was only being given about 5 hours a week. She went along with that crummy schedule for a few weeks before she began to ask questions. She thought it was partially due to racism, which I completely dismissed out of hand. I mean, I'm a cynic, but I just didn't think that kind of casual racism applied to youths who grew up in a supposedly more tolerant age. Boy howdy, was I way off on that one. When she finally confronted some of her managers about the scheduling, they basically gave her the cold shoulder.
So, she raised quite a fuss, and quit. On her way out the door, she heard some of her co-workers making some racial slurs that I won't deign to repeat here.

That incident, when taken alone, isn't enough to indict a large corporation, I admit. But it still steamed me to no end. I mean, haven't we come far enough as a nation, as a generation, to let such petty differences in skin and hair color go? Haven't we seen how people of all races have made such important contributions to this country?

About a year later, I caught a very interesting piece on 60 Minutes. It was an expose of sorts on the inherent racism within the Abercrombie company. I was stunned at what I saw. Former managers casually remarking how they would rarely even look at the applications that minorities submitted. Analysts showing how very few people of color were used in any Abercrombie ads. Current (white) employees were shown saying terribly stupid things about the lack of minority co-workers. And minorities detailing their experiences applying for, or working in positions within the company. Needless to say, those experiences were less than enjoyable. The case was convincingly made for organization-wide racism.

That story, combined with my cousin's experience working at Abercrombie, cemented the deal. I've boycotted Abercrombie for a while now (not that I ever really shopped there to begin with), I refuse any present coming from their stores, and I've even held two demonstrations in front of their stores, which consisted of me gathering all the Asian people I knew (which wasn't many, considering 99% of my friends are white) and blocking the entrance to an Abercrombie store while expressing our displeasure with their hiring procedures till mall security booted our asses out.

Now, the West Virginia incident. While reading up on this story, I found that Abercrombie had previously gotten in trouble for a different t-shirt mocking West Virginians. And yet, somehow, they felt that another offensive t-shirt was a good idea.

Abercrombie and Fitch basically preaches intolerance with every move they make, be it design, advertisements, or hiring. They try to position themselves as an All-American company, but what they believe constitutes an All-American image is in fact nothing more than basic and reprehensible intolerance. If All-American means no minorities allowed, then I'll kindly be packing up my stuff and heading for Canada. If All-American means all the states except for West Virginia, then I'm on the first plane headed for England.

Why, as a country, are we unable to get past these archaic notions of racial superiority? We can't the country come to grips with the fact that diversity is what makes America great? Casual racism is still rampant in America, and as a minority, it's sickening. I went to a school with a (relatively) large number of Asian people, many of whom did not speak English terribly well. The university also sported a number of professors with thick accents. What attitudes were these people treated with? Terribly intolerant attitudes, that's what. I've heard a group of white people deride passing Asians for speaking in their own languages, doing that stupid mock-Chinese thing that I absolutely can't stand. I've know people who blame bad grades on a professor who didn't sport English as their first language. Where does this keep coming from?

I once read of a study in which a group of Caucasians were sat down in a room, and listened to tapes of classroom lectures. One group was told that the professor was not born here in America. That group of people immediately claimed that they had enormous difficulty understanding the tape. The same tape was played for a different group of Caucasians who were told the speaker was a native English speaker. Not surprisingly, that group said they had no trouble understanding the tape whatsoever.

So what does this mean? Is racism a natural human emotion? Are we only tolerant because the values of tolerance and political correctness have been hammered into our heads?

As much as it pains me to say so, I'm beginning to think that might be the case. No matter how far we come, it seems minorities will never be on equal footing with white America. Asian Americans make up (roughly) 7 to 8 percent of this country. Out of the 535 members of Congress, how many are of Asian descent? At my last count, 6. I may not be a mathematician, but those numbers just don't add up. I'm sure (though I haven't counted) that similar discrepancies exist for other minority groups. Do I think a minority will ever become President of this country? You bet your ass I don't. I'm not even terribly sure a woman will ever become President of this country. Not because I think they're incapable, but because of the
white male-centric nature of our nation. All that crap that's put out on TV nowadays? It's only meant to appeal to the one "important" segment of America, 18-34 year old white men. If the television shows that have aired recently on TV actually do appeal to that all-powerful segment, I shudder to think the direction this country is taking.

This isn't to say I think all white Americans are racists. Like I said earlier, 99% of my friends are white. I don't think of them that way, though. They're just my friends. Not white friends. Just friends. And they don't think of me as their Asian friend. I'm just a friend. That's the way it should be.

But that's not the way it is.

And, unfortunately, with companies like Abercrombie being wildly popular in spite of (or maybe because of) their organizational racism, I'm not sure it'll ever change.

Ivan Drago

2004-08-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

My company recently sent me to work a tradeshow in Chicago. Frankly, it was one of the most boring experiences of my life. I would've had more fun cleaning up elephant dung at a circus. I guess being surrounded by hundreds of computer engineers for three days would rarely be fun, though. There was one experience that nearly redeemed the entire trip, though.

My company's booth was set up at the end of an aisle, with each side of the aisle housing three booths. There was an older gentleman working the booth directly across from us, along with a (relatively) heavyset woman who sported a haircut reminiscent of Ivan Drago's from Rocky IV. Through the first day and a half, I had politely chatted with them, along with the people in the booth next to us. On the second day, Ivan Drago was in the booth for a while by herself, while the older guy was out cruising the tradeshow floor. She was sitting in a chair that was high up off the ground, so her legs weren't touching the floor. When she noticed the older gentleman coming back to relieve her, she stood up from said chair,

(Now, this is where the story gets a little weird, but trust me when I say this is an entirely factual anecdote, with no embellishments whatsoever.)

As Ivan stood up, her pants fell all the way down. I repeat: Her pants fell all the way down. Mind you, this was is in the middle of a very large tradeshow, with hundreds of computer geeks milling about. So what happened next? She reached down, pulled her pants up from her ankles, and walked away as if nothing happened.

I was shocked. Never in my life had I seen something like that. I mean, I knew I was going to a computer tradeshow, so I really didn't expect to see any women's underwear on my trip, yet there it was. Since I was in the middle of a conversation with a customer at the time, I couldn't really say anything, even if I located the capacity to do so. I mean, he hadn't noticed it, so I couldn't very well start giggling like a schoolgirl. And, for the next half hour, I was so busy with other potential customers that I barely had time to even think about it.

When I finally got a break, I stepped outside for a cigarette. And who else would be standing outside than Miss Dropsherpants? It's as if the good Lord, knowing my propensity to laugh in very inappropriate situations, is continually testing my maturity level.

Miss Dropsherpants (surprisingly) approached me, and began to talk. I was barely listening, just trying with all my might not to burst out in hysterics in her face, given that that would probably offend her. I got through the conversation with a minimum of monosyllabic grunts and noises, then scurried back inside.

When I got back to my booth, I overheard the two people in the booth next to me whispering about something. So, in my best inconspicuous voice, I sidled over and said, "Are you guys talking about what I think you're talking about?" They nodded a yes, and all three of us had a real good laugh at Miss Dropsherpants expense.

I later discovered that the people in the booth next to Miss Dropsherpants had no idea what happened, even though one girl's face was literally two feet away from the billowing pair of granny panties that Miss Dropsherpants briefly displayed.

It was the most bizarre experience of my life. We never came up with a decent explanation of what happened, and (not surprisingly) we never saw Miss Dropsherpants again, even though a day and a half remained in the tradeshow.

To any females reading this out there, what do you think could've caused that unfortunately hilarious series of events? I mean, women's clothing isn't meant to do that, is it? Please, leave comments with possible explanations (I've fixed the comments so you no longer have to register with BlogSpot to be able to leave a note).

Weird Things at Work

2004-08-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

Attire

Before I get started, I think it’s important to note that I am not a fashion expert. I am not even remotely interested in what’s fashionable and what isn’t. I do, however, make an effort to not look like a jackass when I come into work.

The same cannot be said of 60% of the people I work with. Since I am employed by a high technology company, many of the employees are engineers. I don’t want to stereotype against all engineers; in fact, my major for my first three years at college was Computer Engineering. But, they just don’t seem to care about what they wear to work. And since the company’s co-founders are also both engineers, neither does management.

I’m not in favor of strict dress codes. I think people work better when they are more comfortable in what they are wearing. But this is a place of business, and there is a dress code that calls for business casual attire. I may have missed the class where they discussed what exactly constitutes business casual, but I know it doesn’t include wearing white sneakers with khaki pants. No dress code includes that. It just looks horribly stupid.

It doesn’t end there, though. It appears all of our engineers’ wardrobes consist of nothing more than computing-related golf shirts. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that 95% of the computing industry is represented, in one way or another, on one of our engineers shirts.

And the engineers don’t seem to have any interest in cleaning said shirts. On two occasions this week I’ve seen engineers wearing shirts that had terribly noticeable yellow stains under the armpits. I’ve seen them wear those shirts before, so they are clearly a part of that person’s rotation. I know that happens to some shirts over time thanks to messy-ass deodorants, but come on. If it’s a permanent stain, I’ve got a brilliant idea: Don’t wear the shirt again. If it’s a cleanable stain, I’ve got an even more brilliant idea: Clean the shirt before you go into work.

Nobody says hi in the halls

This is another fault that engineers generally have. Most of the time, when you’re at work, and you pass someone you know in the halls, you say “hi.” At the very least you nod in the other person’s direction.

This doesn’t happen at my company. Sure, when I pass fellow marketing people, or I see a salesperson I know, we exchange pleasantries. But if I pass an engineer, no words are exchanged. No nods are nodded. Nothing. Most of the time, the engineer will look down at his gleaming white sneakers when passing me, intent on avoiding eye contact at all costs. At first, I thought it was me, that they were just treating the new guy like dirt. But, as I spent more time here, I realized they did that with everyone. Including fellow engineers. Not a very friendly work environment.

Nobody cares what time I come in or what I do

This is an interesting aspect of where I work. I’m sure some of you work in equally lax environments, and thus are familiar with this phenomenon. I come in pretty much whenever I want. I leave pretty much whenever I want. I spend as much time at lunch as I want. And no matter how far I push the boundary, nobody says anything.

I used to work as a salesperson at Circuit City, where I also showed up late on a regular basis. It wasn’t until I showed up two days in a row 3 hours late that anything was said to me. Now, I haven’t gone that far in my tardiness here at my current job, but on a few occasions I’ve been close. And still nothing has been said. One time, I came in about an hour late, using the back door to allay any suspicions. I ran smack dab into my boss on my way in. His response? “Hey, how you doin?”

I’m not saying I’d prefer to work in a more straight-laced environment. I just think this is relatively odd.

Cigarettes are tossed aside instead of using the bins

The smoking area outside is manned by two cigarette receptacles. Aside from a few exceptions (including me), nobody uses them. Cigarette butts cover the smoking area like freshly fallen snow. It’s actually quite disgusting. Numerous e-mails have been sent out explaining that this type of behavior is unacceptable. Nobody pays attention. People still keep flicking their butts onto the ground.

To me, not making use of a perfectly good ashtray when it’s right in front of you is a lot like not using your turn signals. Both are terribly simple procedures. Both are beneficial to others. Both just make sense. And yet nobody uses them. I don’t get it.

Maybe this type of stuff happens at other companies. Maybe not. But I do know one thing: Never work in a high technology company if you don’t have an engineering degree. You’ll be treated like a second-class citizen, and you’ll be forced to deal with much of what I described above. And it gets pretty annoying.

Cursed

2004-08-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

Let's take a trip back in time, all the way back to the summer of 2002. My older sister's wedding was taking place on a fine July day. The ceremony was going smoothly until the time for the readings came. My sister's lifelong friend, whom I have known since I was a child, was slated to perform one of the readings. After the minister announced her, she approached the podium from her spot in the audience. She did so carefully, which I noticed, since she had mentioned to me earlier that she was wearing new shoes she was less than comfortable in. Just as she reached the podium, she tripped over herself, and hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. I'm sure we can agree that the normal reaction to such a situation would involve some sort of sympathy, or concern. If you've spent any time at all reading my blog, you'll know I am not a normal person. So consider that when I say that my immediate reaction was to laugh really loudly. (I'm sorry, but anytime a person falls, it's funny. Unless that person is hurt. Otherwise, it's always funny.) Fortunately (and for once in my life), I had some sense of decorum about me, and I managed to hold off on uproarious, and very cruel, laughter. Unfortunately, I was not able to fully contain myself, and I let out a very loud, very audible, and very noticeable snort. It wasn't a derisive snort, mind you. it was the kind of snort that comes out when one is desperately and valiantly attempting to stifle laughter.

Now, during the ceremony, I was seated between my mother and my (then) girlfriend. Immediately after The Snort, I was elbowed in the ribs very sharply by my mother. She managed to bite her tongue due to the surroundings, but I saw the look in her eyes. The last time I saw that look was when I got suspended from high school for a week for having a cigarette with some friends on school grounds. Well, not so much on school grounds as in the school, but that's a matter of semantics. The look in her eyes, plus the very sharp elbow, left little doubt that she was quite pissed at me.

The elbow in my left side was soon joined by a very painful pinch in my right side, courtesy of my (then) girlfriend, who had a different, but no less virulent, look in her eyes. I hadn't done anything completely stupid in front of her (at least I hadn't at that point in time), but it was a nasty enough look to let me know she was really ticked.

My sister's friend ended up getting up off the carpet, and completed the reading without further incident, but she was a sobbing mess after the ceremony. And while she never confronted me about it, I think she knew I was the one who snorted, even though she was face deep in some nice red carpet when I actually did it.

Fast forward two years, to this past Saturday. I was attending the wedding of my best friend's brother. It was a non-denominational service, unlike my sisters, so we weren't in a church; instead, it was in some atrium-type place. Anyways, the ceremony was running along nicely (except the acoustics were terrible, so the only word I understood the whole time was "penmanship", and since this came during the vows, I'm pretty sure I misunderstood it), until the time for the readings came. The grandfather of the bride was to do one of the readings. I met him before the wedding. He was a nice gentleman, but very old, very shaky on his feet, and very much in need of the cane he used to get around around. Luckily, the ceremony called for him to simply stand up from his chair to do the reading, as opposed to hobbling around to get to some podium. The first part of his reading went well. However, as he got to the second half, the he started trembling something fierce. Now, at this point, I was thinking to myself, "Keep it under control. It would not be cool to laugh at a decorated war veteran if he falls down at his granddaughter's wedding." He steadied himself for a second, but just as I thought he would make it, his legs collapsed under him, and he hit the ground. He didn't hurt himself, his wife was able to help ease he fall, and he popped up like nothing happened and finished the reading. More importantly, I didn't laugh.

The last two weddings I've been to, someone performing the reading has lost their balance. I'm left with one conclusion: That somehow, somewhere, somebody who really hated weddings cursed me, so that any time I go to one, a reader will fall in an embarassing (yet amusing) fashion.

The moral of the story? If you're planning on having a wedding, don't invite me. It will only result in embarrassment for the poor sap who is chosen for the reading.

On the flip side, if you're having a wedding, and you've been forced to invite someone you don't really like, make sure you invite me, and make sure you make said person perform the reading. You won't be disappointed.

Ode to Football

2004-08-05T12:13:00.000-07:00

How I’ve missed thee football
Without you I’m in a lurch
There’s nothing else to do on Sundays
Except drag my ass to church

I need the games, the fans, the highlights
The tackles and the sacks
The scores, the fumbles and the picks
Nothing really lacks

You’ve got the Ravens with their Lewises
Both Ray and Jamal
Then you’ve got my Buffalo Bills
With our snowy weather and all

Kurt’s a Giant, Corey’s a Pat
But Favre is still a Packer
Peyton’s little brother is now a pro
But Ricky’s still a slacker

Joe Gibbs is back in Washington
Older and (maybe) wiser
One thing he’s got goin for him:
His owner ain’t no miser

I’ve missed Priest’s runs and catches
Along with Mike Vick’s legs
I’ve missed the Sunday afternoons
When we like to tap the keg

There are some things I haven’t missed
Like all the commercial breaks
Not to mention Bill Parcells
Whom I’d like to toss in a lake

The Dolphins are in a bind
Cuz Ricky loves mary jane
No longer an interest in football
Will he be forced to feign

But let’s not dwell on the bad
When there’s so much new out there
TO and McNabb have joined forces
While Eddie’s left McNair

In closing: Praise Football
And all the joy it brings
And let’s all hope when the season’s done
My Bills will win their rings

Underloved Movies

2004-08-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

My initial plan for this entry was to put together a list of underrated movies. Then I looked at the movies I had chosen for that list, and I realized that some the movies had been generally well-received by critics, if not at the box office. As a result, I decided to change the title to Underloved Movies.

What is an Underloved Movie? It's a film that I love, but for whatever reason, it's not as popular as other lesser films. Mind you, since this is an entirely subjective exercise, many of you may disagree with me. Which I'm fine with. But, if you haven't seen a movie on my list, I would highly recommend checking it out.

Donnie Darko

It was a tough decision for me to include this movie on this list. It's a cult classic, and has been recently re-released with new footage, so it's not as if this is an unknown movie. However, I believe this film deserves much more than cult classic status.

Donnie Darko (for those unfamiliar with the movie) centers on Jake Gyllenhall as Donnie, a jaded and confused teen living in the 80s. Whilst away from his home one night, a jet engine crashes into his house, destroying much of it, including the room he should've been sleeping in that night. Strangely enough, nobody knows where the engine came from, as there were no planes in the area that mysteriously lost their one of their engines. Oddness ensues.

This is one of those movies that is very difficult to classify. The actors do a terrific job, though. The music is very evocative of the times, and the ending will most definitely leave you scratching your head. It's a poignant movie with it's share of laughs. If you've never seen it, go rent it today. You won't be disappointed. And if you are, well, tough noogies.

Favorite Scene: The haunting montage at the end of the movie set to Gary Jules' remake of the Tears for Fears classic, "Mad World."

Undercover Brother

This movie is one of the funnier films to come out in the last few years. It's basically a spoof of blaxploitation films. It's a truly hysterical movie. It's an equal opportunity movie, as both black and white stereotypes make up many of the jokes.

One particularly amusing scene came when Eddie Griffin, the "star" of the film, was being indoctrinated into white culture, for the purpose of infiltrating white America. In a nod to Clockwork Orange, they bombard him with images to brainwash him; the difference being these images represent what blacks think of white culture. It's an absolutely hysterical scene. Finally, in order to prove he can infiltrate white America, Griffin has to eat a sandwich loaded with mayonnaise, which black people apparently cannot stand (I don't know if this is true, but I will say I'm an Asian man who despises mayonnaise. So maybe it is a white thing).

Funny stuff. Plus, Doogie Howser and Dave Chappelle have co-starring roles, and if that's not a winning combination, I don't know what is.

Favorite Scene: Griffin and Denise Richards in a wonderful rendition of Ebony and Ivory.

Major League

ESPN is running a series of hour-long specials on almost everything sports in order to celebrate their 25th birthday. One of those specials was dedicated to the 25 best sports movies in the past 25 years. Major League was 14th on the list. It most certainly deserved to be much higher.

Why am I disagreeing with ESPN's panel of "experts?" Simply put, Major League is an absolute riot. Charlie Sheen (a grossly underrated comedic actor) is perfect playing Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn. Wesley Snipes is hysterical as Willie Mays Hayes. It's a typical sports-movie story, with an underdog team overcoming all odds to win the big game. There's nothing particularly original about that, but the movie overcomes it's pedestrian plot to become a comedy classic.

Favorite Scene: "If you no help me now, I say f*ck you Jobu. I do it myself."

Sidenote: This is one of those movies that is not meant to be viewed in an edited form. So much of the humor of the movie is lost with the horrible dubbing done. It's like they purposely decided to do the worst job possible of dubbing in new words for the swears. Perhaps the worst transgression in that respect was the changing of "Strike this f*cker out," to "Strike this guy out." On the surface, this seems like a decent change, but if you've ever seen this movie on TNT, then you know it sounds like three different people dubbed each individual word of that line, and it sounds worse than a Styx song.

The Princess Bride

I know this movie is very well received, and many people love it, so perhaps it doesn't belong on this list. But I list this movie as one of my all-time favorites, and I truly believe it deserves to be credited as a great film.

This is one of the movies that is basically without flaw (aside from Fred Savage's whiny performance as a sick kid). The humor in this movie is very subtle, and while it's certainly not the focal point of the movie, it's present throughout the entire film. William Goldman (penner of the script and the novel) manages to write his dialogue in an offbeat manner which manages to elicit laughs without being too jokey in nature. It's akin to the way Douglas Adams created humor in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy books, and it's much more effective than your typical one-liners and put-downs that pass for comedy today.

All the characters ring true. The sword fight between Inigo and Westley is a thing of beauty, both in how it is filmed and written. Billy Crystal has a great cameo as Miracle Max. The love story between Westley and Buttercup, while undeniably cheesy, also has a fairy tale-like charm to it, which makes it palatable even to this chick-flick-hater.

And let us not forget that this movie is the home of perhaps the single most memorable line of dialogue in movie history: "Hallo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

As I mentioned earlier, this movie is basically without flaw. I'll argue that point to the grave.

Favorite Scene: Vizzini and Westley's battle of wits. Great dialogue, nice twist.

Hot Shots

My favorite comedies have come from the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker machine that put out such classics as Airplane and Naked Gun. That type of humor, while undeniably silly and inane, just strikes a chord with me.

Hot Shots was another movie created by that comedic trio. While it is generally thought well-of, it is never placed in the same stratosphere as Naked Gun or Airplane. While I don't believe Hot Shots is as good a comedy as those two, it certainly comes close, and deserves recognition for doing so. Of course, if you just don't plain like this type of movie, you probably disagree with me. But that doesn't bother me too much.

Favorite Scene: "What do you do to an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino."

Unbreakable

If you just don't like M. Night Shyamalan's movies, then you won't like Unbreakable. While Sixth Sense got a lot of (deserved) credit, Unbreakable did (relatively) poorly at the box office. Which is a damn shame.

I think people misunderstand Night's movies. Everyone is obsessed with the ending, with the "twist," and if that ending doesn't live up to the public's standards, people get quite disappointed, and they project their disillusioned feelings with the ending on to the movie as a whole, which is a mistake. Shyamalan is not just a Rod Serling-clone with a bigger budget and better actors. The man is a great filmmaker.

In this era of high-budget special effects movies with plots that barely compare to a Jenna Jameson film, Shyamalan stands apart as a man who is able to stir emotions within audiences without resorting to tomfoolery and trickery. He treats his audiences with respect, understanding that we want more, that we need more from our movies.

For instance, take Unbreakable, which at it's heart is a superhero movie. What do filmmakers generally do with superhero movies? They load them up with so many special effects shots and jerky camera movements that the storytelling aspect is lost (Spiderman 2 being a recent exception). Shyamalan creates a superhero movie which shames most others in that genre, and he does it without resorting to visual spectacles.

The same could be said of Signs. When Hollywood decides to put together a movie about aliens coming to earth, you can be assured that it'll be a big-budget Hollywood "event," replete with bad directing and bad acting. When Shaymalan did it, he compartmentalized the crisis, focusing on a single family. As the aliens start invading the earth en masse, the movie shrinks it's point of view even further as the family locks itself in the house. Finally, when things look their bleakest, he shrinks it down even more, stranding them in the basement. We experience the horror of the moment through the eyes of an average American farm family, not through computer-generated images. That is where Shyamalan's brilliance lies; not in his ability to create "twist" endings, but in his ability to tell great stories, using nothing more than his camera.

Favorite Scene: Bruce Willis, with his son watching, testing how much weight he can actually bench press.

That's it for now. There are more movies I wanted to include in this list, but (true to my form) I just realized how much I had written for each movie, and how much time I've actually spent at work writing this thing. Another installment will be forthcoming soon.

Feel free to leave comments listing underloved movies I may have missed.

Surprise Surprise

2004-07-31T09:15:00.000-07:00

Before I get started, I'd like to make a few things clear: I hate reality tv. I hate calling it reality tv (wouldn't unscripted tv be more appropriate?). I hate the people who go on reality tv. And I hate the people who watch reality tv on a regular basis, thus ensuring jackass tv executives will continue churning out more of that crap.

So it should come as no surprise that when I first heard the concept for the UPN reality tv series "Amish in the City," I was fairly nonplussed. For those not familiar with it, UPN took 5 Amish people, put them in a house with 5 "regular" people, and filmed them to see what kind of hilarity ensued.

Now, as a TiVo fanatic, I get exposed to a lot of crap on TV i would normally never watch, because TiVo often records programs as "suggestions." Amish in the City was one of these suggestions.

Much to my chagrin, I actually enjoyed the show.

Amish people believe it is wrong to baptize children into the Amish order, because they feel that only an adult would be capable of making such a decision. So, when an Amish person reaches 18 or so, they can take part in the "rumspringa," which is a trip out into the rest of the world to see what it's like, and to see if they truly wish to live Amish the rest of their lives. So it's not as if UPN is exploiting these people too badly.

My main concern with this show was that it's only purpose would be to make fun of the Amish, which is not something I'd generally approve of. After the first half, though, it became apparent that the show would be treating the Amish would the utmost respect. It doesn't make fun of them. It, in fact, does a fairly good job at exposing people to Amish values, to Amish personalities.

Now, maybe this won't come as a surprise to anyone, but the 5 Amish people in the house turned out to be the most normal people there. The other non-Amish residents were nutjobs. They looked like idiots. They seemed shallow, obtuse, and just plain stupid. One of them is a space-cadet vegan who insists cows are from outer space. There's the token meathead, the hot girl who is also a moron, and a few other stereotypes. The Amish seemed to be the most well-adjusted of the group.

It was interesting to see, though, that the Amish could also be catty. They got angry, they got frustrated, and they got annoyed. It was interesting to see that they were more than pacifists who believed in turning the other cheek, that they still fell victim to human emotions just like anybody else. It's an interesting sociological experiment. It's still reality tv, and I still have problems with that, but all in all, I was pleasantly surprised.

And, on another note, I'm sitting here watching SportsCenter right now, baffled at what's going on. This whole past week, SportsCenter has done special stories on music and sports, culminating with a performance at the end of the show. This in of itself seems like a pretty bad idea; if I wanted music, I'd turn it to MTV. Not ESPN. As if this didn't seem like an already shaky idea, the final performer was Alanis Morissette.

Yeah, I said Alanis Morissette.

What the hell kind of sense do this make? I'd say 95% of the people who watch SportsCenter regularly have no interest in seeing Alanis Morissette doing anything, let alone perform. Who is this meant to appeal to? I just don't get it. Even if they're trying to bring in more woman viewers, I still think it's a dumb idea. No one is gonna start watching SportsCenter because Alanis was on once, so what's the point?

I hate TV executives.

My Biggest Fear

2004-07-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

People who know me might assume my biggest fear in life has something to do with bees, since I still run away like a schoolgirl every time I see one. They would be wrong, but their guess would not be unfounded. Another valid assumption would have something to do with spiders, since I find them creepier than Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Again, wrong, but a good guess.

No, my biggest fear has nothing to do with anything living. It has nothing to do with terrorism, death, or having my fingernails torn off one by one (though that would be an effective method of extracting vital information from me). The thing I’m most afraid could happen in any house with running water.

I’m scared to death of clogging somebody else’s toilet.

Now, before you immediately dismiss that as a silly fear, let me present you with a hypothetical situation: You’re invited to a pleasant dinner at the home of your girlfriend’s (or boyfriend’s) parents. You’ve never met them before, but you really dig her, and you are determined to make a good impression. You’re all sitting around having a pleasant conversation, when nature calls. You go to the bathroom (which is very pleasantly appointed), you do your business, and you flush the toilet. All of the sudden, to your immense chagrin and horror, the water level in the toilet ceases to drop, and instead rises dramatically. Within minutes, the entire bathroom floor is covered in less-than-clean water. You tear out of the bathroom, understandably not wanting to soak your socks in filthy water, and find yourself face-to-face with the mother.

If that’s not an absolutely terrifying thought, I don’t know what is. There is nothing you can say to make the situation better. There is no flip remark that’ll make everyone laugh. There’s nothing. Just sheer, absolute, and utter embarrassment. I’d prefer to be one of the jackasses who goes on Fear Factor than have that happen to me. I’d prefer a tall glass of Mountain Dew. I’d prefer watching a movie based on a Jane Austen novel. I’d sooner eat at Arby’s than suffer that mortification.

Do everything in your power to avoid this. Never use the bathroom when you are attempting to make a good impression on somebody (or somebody’s parents), no matter how loudly and vociferously nature calls.

I’m not at all kidding about any of this. I’ve actually had numerous nightmares involving that exact scenario, and they weren’t pleasant. Scoff if you will, but if you ever find yourself in that untenable situation; if you ever find yourself mortified, embarrassed and ashamed because of it; if you ever find yourself apologizing profusely to complete strangers because you’ve sullied their bathroom with dirty-ass toilet water; well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

My Beef With...

2004-07-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

People who like to converse at urinals

Look, I'm a pretty garrulous guy. I like talking, I like discussing, I like debating. I do not, however, like to do any of those things when I'm positioned in front of a urinal. And neither should you.

Talking and relieving yourself are two relatively enjoyable activities. That does not mean they should be combined. An example: Brushing your teeth? Good.. Drinking a glass of orange juice? The two together? Not so much.

People who don't use turn signals

If you're alone on the road at 4 AM, you can do whatever you want. You can drive 15 below the speed limit with your hazards on while blasting Yanni, and I wouldn't care. You could drive on the left side of the road with your headlights off while doing your makeup and talking on your cell, and I'd say more power to you. You could even drive backwards while trying to eat a
burrito, as long as there were no other cars on the road. However, if there are other people on the road, do us all a favor and use the turn signal. It's not that difficult; in fact, it's just about the easiest thing you'll do on any given day. It's no wonder America has an obesity problem. If people are too lazy to flick a little lever every once in a while driving, then it really must be a chore to, you know, move.

Alternatively, if you're changing lanes on the highway, please remember to turn off your turn signal after said lane change has been made. Same concept.

Movie Producers

I used to think the dumbest people in America ended up with jobs in telemarketing, collections, or sports announcing. I've changed my mind. It's clear to me now that the worst and the dimmest are now controlling Hollywood. The percentage of movies which are just terrible keeps increasing every year. Look at this summer's lineup. You have Troy, which mangled one of the greatest epics ever told. There's I, Robot, which ganked it's title from a respectable Isaac Asimov book, while eschewing any of the quality. Then there was King Arthur, with it's "historically accurate" version of the Knights of the Round Table. Catwoman was the worst movie idea this side of Godfather III.

The most amusing part of all of this is how clueless movie producers seem to be about all of this. I read an article last week where executives were "shocked" at Catwoman's performance at the box office. What were they expecting? It's Halle Berry jumping around in a dominatrix outfit. Now, don't get me wrong, it's a fine image, but it's certainly not enough to carry an entire movie.

Whatever happened to plot? To subtlety? To well-written dialogue? In place of classics like Casablanca and Psycho we have 50 First Dates and Jeepers Creepers. In place of Bogey and Bacall we have The Rock and the Olsen Twins.

This isn't to say that Hollywood doesn't churn out a good movie every now and then, or that all movies in the past were of high quality. My point is the percentage of such treacle is on the rise, and there's no real sign of relief on the horizon.

Do yourself a favor. Watch "City of God." It's a Brazilian movie, and it's in Portuguese, meaning there are subtitles. But it's well worth it. It was nominated for an Oscar this past year, which it richly deserved. It's based on the true story of someone who grew up in Cidade de Deus, the worst hood in all of Brazil. Gangs run rampant there, and disturbingly, a number of the gang members are no older than 12 or 13. Professional actors were eschewed in favor of real citizens of the area, including a few from the actual Cidade de Deus, and they do phenomenal jobs. Of course, not speaking Portuguese, they could be giving the worst performances ever, and I would have no clue, but from where I sat, they were excellent. The movie moves at a frenetic and exciting pace (after the first 20 minutes or so), while at the same time remaining compelling and engrossing. Not for the weak of mind or heart, City of God is easily one of the top 10 films I've seen in the past year.

Michael Moore

Some of my Republican friends are shocked when they hear how much I dislike Michael Moore. Since I am a registered Democrat, they assume he speaks for me, that he's the voice of my party. I'm here to tell you he's not. I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 reluctantly; mainly because my distaste and distrust of Dubya far exceeds my distaste and distrust of Moore. If Fahrenheit 911 is a documentary, then I'm Benjamin freakin' Disraeli. The only good points the movie made were a direct result of a shotgun approach, and let's face it, the sun shines even on a dog's ass once in a while. Anybody capable of reading at a high school level should be able to see the gross leaps of logic and reasoning Moore makes. He tries to hide his ignorance behind a veil of hyperbolic rhetoric aimed at Dubya, but in his single-mindedness to attack Bush, he fails to see the lack of logic in his own reasoning.

During the film he presented pre-war Iraq as a kind of utopia, with children frolicking in the streets, marriages taking place, and people generally enjoying the hell out of life. What Moore failed to realize is that the human spirit is indomitable, that people will always find a way to gather and be merry, regardless of their oppressive surroundings.

A word of advice to Michael Moore: If you're really interested in having people think you're an idiot, a far cheaper alternative would've been to walk around with the word DUMBASS tattooed on your forehead.

Anti-Intellectualism

2004-07-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the line, education has lost its value in the minds of the American public; more specifically, in the minds of American students. Anti-intellectualism has a rabid following on most college campuses, to the point where most students couldn't spell intellectualism without Microsoft Word's ubiquitous guiding hand.

Not going to class has become the new rage across campuses. As a recent college graduate, I've known people who have skipped class for hangovers, haircuts, TV shows, trips to the mall, bad weather, and video games. No longer are universities places of higher learning. They are now glorified day cares for an apathetic generation of Americans who have no interest in learning, only in graduating. Many students believe they are entitled to passing grades simply because they are paying money to attend the school, not because they've earned them. I've heard classmates berate professors for "giving" them bad grades, failing to understand that they earned that failing grade because they were unable to use punctuation. Anything not "testable" is simply not worth learning. They can't even comprehend why they would want to retain information after taking an exam, preferring to eradicate any knowledge they may have acquired by giving their livers strenuous workouts. College has become more a social exercise than an intellectual one.

This is not to say college should be all work and no play. College does serve a purpose in exposing many young people to life away from home, to independence, and to responsibility. Many people experience innumerable firsts while attending college while making lifelong friends. It's an important part of the college experience. The distinction here is that it's not the only part.

Many students today resent being taught. They resent learning. They resent having to go to class. They resent being taught anything not listed in the syllabus. They're jaded by the fact that much of what they learn in class will not be applicable in "real" life. They can't fathom why they would open a book if it had nothing to do with a class. They've lost sight of the fact that education is more than a stepping stone to a successful career, more than a 4 year party. There's a fulfillment that can be found in education and knowledge, but they fail to see the virtue in that, looking only at the degree, the ensuing job, and the numbers on the paycheck. Enlightenment isn't important, not when pitted against beer and video games.

I'm not naive enough to suggest that mine is the first generation that begat apathetic college students. The problem here is that the percentage of such students is on the rise. There's a glee certain students take in not knowing something. They take pride in how little they have studied for an exam. There's scorn in their voices when they mock someone who has a clear interest in learning.

To the slacker students of today: Take pride in something. Educate yourself. Don't go about life shunning knowledge because it might be difficult to obtain. And go to class once in a while.

Guilty Pleasures

2004-07-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

Building Credit Card Debt

Guilt: According to my late payment notices, I'm never going to have a chance to buy a home, a new car, a boat, take out a second mortgage, etc.

Pleasure: There's nothing more American than unwisely using credit. It's patriotic to do so. I'm not in the military, so the only time I really get to do something for this country is when I spend massive amounts of money I don't have. The economy would be much better off if you all did the same.

Hot Pockets

Guilt: Have you ever looked inside one of those things? In terms of appearance, they are closer to vomit than any other food I've ever eaten in my life. Not to mention the fact that they are horrendously bad for you. I've heard eating one Hot Pocket takes 7 minutes off your life. Or maybe that was cigarettes...

Pleasure: Have you ever tasted one of those things? If Heaven had a taste, I'm pretty sure it would taste like a Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pocket.

Rooting against the Jeopardy! Guy

Guilt: He's an all right guy. He's done nothing wrong. He's very clearly intelligent. As a Mormon, you can be sure he doesn't suffer from many of the substance abuse issues so many celebrities today obviously have. He seems pretty personable. All good reasons why I shouldn't hate him.

Pleasure: I hate the Jeopardy guy for the same reason I hate the Yankees (aside from the fact I'm a Mets fan). They win too much. Plain and simple. America's about equal opportunity, about underdogs, about long-shots. The frequency with which the Yankees and Jeopardy Guy win is therefore communist in nature.

Plus, he's smarmy. He'll stand there acting like he doesn't know the answer to a question (or the question to an answer, more appropriately), but then he'll whip out the right answer faster than you can say "polygamy." He twice had an opportunity to break the single day record, but bet just enough in Final Jeopardy to tie the record. Would one more dollar have killed you, you arrogant Mormon?

Finally, think of all the people he's disappointed. People wait their entire lives (not normal people, just people) to get on to Jeopardy! Even if you ace the written test and do well in the mock game during tryouts, your name still has to be picked randomly before you appear on the show. So, these nerds (calm down, as a fellow nerd, I get to use the term) have been waiting forever to get on the gold-standard of trivia game shows, only to find out when they arrive that they're about to get bitch-slapped by a 5'6" Mormon. I haven't seen that many geeks disappointed since they cancelled Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Pimp My Ride

Guilt: It's quite possibly the dumbest show on television. The first part of the show is always an unbelievably uncomfortable and contrived meeting between Xzibit and the owner of that week's car, where the kid has to pretend that he didn't know that Xzibit would be showing up at his house. As if MTV would send Xzibit to somebody's house without at least ensuring that the person is home. Additionally, the cats working at the Pimping Place are kinda creepy, with the piercings through the lips and whatnot.

Pleasure: See, they do really cool things to shitty cars, thereby making them un-shitty. There's something very American about watching something beat-up and ugly transformed into something that is extravagant and garish. At least, that's the only reason I can come up with for the popularity of shows like Extreme Makeover and (in a creative twist nobody saw coming) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

The OC

Guilt: Well, it's on Fox, which isn't necessarily a ringing endorsement (Ally McBeal, anybody?). Additionally, it features some of the worst acting this side of Heather Graham. Never before have such wooden performances captivated so many people. Finally, the plots are contrived, repetitive (Ryan gets in another fight!), and unbelievable.

Pleasure: With all that being said, why watch? Well, in a word: Hotness. I mean, not only have the girls on that show fallen out of the hot tree while hitting every branch on the way down, but the moms on the show are equally attractive. Of course, hotness alone isn't enough; if it were, Baywatch would've swept the Emmys every year. No, the show has a nicotine-like addictive quality about it because in addition to the hotness, the dialogue is fairly well written, the music isn't bad, and the guy who plays the nerd on the show is pretty funny.

But mostly the hotness.

Spaghetti-Os with Meatballs

Guilt: As an unabashed lover of all foods Italian, even seeing the word spaghetti associated with something like Spaghetti-Os makes me nauseous. Spaghetti-Os have about as much in common with spaghetti as they do with fruit salad. And the meatballs? Little grey balls made of some sort of edible material, which is most certainly not any kind meat I've ever heard of.

Pleasure: Again, it's all about taste. Yes, it tastes nothing like actual spaghetti and meatballs, but it manages to overcome this handicap (along with the misleading name). I've found it's best not to think of Spaghetti-Os as having anything to do with spaghetti, and instead just look at it as a nice hot snack. When taken in that context, Spaghetti-Os are a hell of a thing.

Domino's Chicken Wings

Guilt: Being a Buffalo, New York native, I know for a fact that Domino's Chicken Wings are nothing like real chicken wings. Those of you who may be unfamiliar with true Buffalo Wings will kindly pay notice to the fact that real chicken wings are not baked. They are deep-fried in fatty goodness. Real chicken wings are somewhat crispy. Domino's Wings are softer than Michael Moore's midsection. For those, and other reasons, I should want to have nothing to do with Domino's Wings.

Pleasure: Unfortunately, Domino's managed to make their "wings" taste good. And Domino's delivers late at night. And I'm a sucker for good hot foods that can be delivered directly to my door late at night.

Music released during the 80s

Guilt: Look, we all know 80s music is terrible. It's nothing but a mix of terrible synthesizer beats and questionable hair decisions.

Pleasure: The only reason people like 80s music is because they lived during the 80s, and it's nostalgic. There's no other plausible explanation. It's kinda like watching Saved by the Bell. It's awful, the acting stinks, the plots are terrible, and the hair is questionable. But, if it's on, I'll watch it, and I'll love every minute of it.

Watching any Britney Spears video with the sound on

Guilt: If 80s music was bad, then no adjective exists to describe how bad Britney Spears' "music" is. My body is capable of producing noises more pleasing to the ear than her last single.

Pleasure: Britney Spears. Scantily clad. Dancing suggestively. Nuff said.

South Park

Guilt: Every episode of South Park will make you cringe, one way or another. Every time something wildly offensive and/or politically incorrect is said on the show, you can't help but laugh, but at the same time you can't help but think to yourself: "This is it. This is the moment I was guaranteed a one-way ticket to Hell."

Pleasure: Laughing is good for you. And if there's one thing South Park can do for you (except guarantee your eternal damnation), it can make you laugh.

Cussing in public places

Guilt: Old people look at me scornfully. Parents with kids look at me with eyes so full of hatred you'd think I was Bin Laden. And it sounds neither intelligent nor dignified.

Pleasure: There's something quite visceral about swearing. It just feels good to cuss when you're in a bad mood, or if you stubbed a toe, or if you just spent $10 to see Troy. The therapeutic abilities of a good loud cuss now and then are amazing.